I'm not supposed to be drunk.

I'm also not supposed to be falling in love.

I love her so much though, she has kept me alive.

I lost.

I'm still not good enough.

I need to keep getting better.

I am ashamed.

I dumped out my alcohol.

Here's to a new start.

Argh, it's so hard to not act like how I usually do.

I stood right before her door and almost knocked on it, but drew away. I can't seem clingy, I can't try to talk to all the time. She said she was behind on her reading, that's probably what she's doing right now.

I can't invade her life. Until she wants me to be a bigger part of it, I have to keep restraining myself like this.

What an awful awful awful night last night. I almost had someone die on me. I took care of him, but then we got kicked out of where we were staying, into the snow. They seriously just fucking stared at us as I tried to keep him standing up and moving.

I fucking cried all night once he was safe.

I'm going to clean up my act.

Oh, all the lies I've been told.

All the horrible people I've met.

This could be an "emo" entry, I know, but I'm just so so so so tired of looking at everyone every single day. My own reflection is the worst.

I want to be like everyone else, and I don't. It's difficult. It's simply difficult to exist, and I sometimes feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

I'm trying to make things better. I'm really, honestly, truly, trying.

I had alcohol-related hallucinations tonight. That concoction I made was downright evil. Definitely need to moderate the fuck out of that.

There's another in my life now. She owns me, she has captured me. I am her toy, her plaything.

i'm gonna get myself in fighting trim
scope out every angle
of unfair advantage
i'm gonna bribe the officals
i'm gonna kill all the judges
it's gonna take you people years
to recover from all of the damage

We all need to stay away from toxic people.

These classes are killing me.

These people are killing.

It's National Coming Out Day.

Will I come out? Probably not. The dirty laundry in my closet is wet and warm. It feels safe in here.

We'll never be safe.